Icing Model
by Eric Jablow
Summary: The AI team has to stop a wedding to prevent a disaster. Unfortunately, Wesley knew the bride when she used to rock and roll.
1. Teaser

I need to explain this story. Last year, there was a "Truth or  
Dare" game on USENET alt.tv.buffy-v-slayer.creative, and Jenny  
M. issued me the following dare:  
  
Your dare is to write a song fic (pref based on something tacky  
and eighties). The plot doesn't have to come from the song if you  
don't want it to. Each character has to say one line from the  
song.  
  
I know this is mean, and possibly in the worst possible taste,  
but it's my idea of a nightmare dare and I'd like to see someone  
pull it off.  
  
I replied:  
  
Er, okay. Here goes. I'm actually using a good song or two as  
decoys. One's by Nick Lowe, for example. The really bad song  
comes near the end, but that's in the epilogue, a long way  
down. Song copyright information at the end, of course.  
  
  
A couple things more--i wrote this in the early fall of 2001,  
before the S3 priemere. So, I didn't know that Fred would start  
insane, and i didn't know that Angel would be on retreat. This  
story is non-canonical. And, I had thought that BtVS would be  
lined up against Smallville, not Gimore Girls. Finally, I live  
in the state of Virginia, which explains some of the commercials.  
  
The characters of Angel, Cordelia, Gunn, Virginia, Wesley,  
Winifred, and the general setting of Angel are the possessions of  
Joss Whedon, David Greenwalt, Kuzui Enterprises, Sandollar  
Entertainment, Fox Studios, and the Warner Brothers Network. No  
infringement is intended. Otherwise, this story is copyright  
2001 by Eric Jablow (though if any of the aforementioned entities  
sue, I'm toast). Feel free to print or archive it as long as you  
do not sell it, remove the copyright information, or modify the  
story.  
  
---  
  
"Ha! I can't believe it!"  
  
"What?" Cordelia crossed the lobby of the Hyperion Hotel to  
Winifred. Winifred was sitting on a couch; a large pile of  
newspapers, magazines, and books lay beside her. "Bill Clinton  
did that? And got away with it? And Hil's now a senator?"  
  
"Some people have all the luck, I guess."  
  
"I don't understand about this Harris woman, though."  
  
"Harris woman? Xan--oh, Katherine Harris. No one does."  
  
"I was thinking--there's got to be a way to model the  
portals. Perhaps I can use an Ising model."  
  
"Huh--portals? An icing model? As in airplane wings, or as in  
cake?" Cordelia looked confused, but then Fred's random shifts of  
focus tended to confuse everyone.  
  
"No, sil--sorry. I-s-i-n-g model. A person. Course, it would  
have to be a 26-dimensional model, but isn't everything? Do you  
think I can use your computer later?"  
  
"Uh, I think I need it myself." Cordelia walked back to her desk;  
Wesley was nearby, putting some files into a cabinet. As she  
approached her desk, she heard some muffled crashes from  
elsewhere in the hotel.  
  
"Cordelia, I know you were only trying to help when you showed  
Angel the old crockery and suggested he take out his anger on old  
plates, but I think perhaps you should not have done it."  
  
"Well, Wesley, I didn't want him taking out his anger on  
himself. More important, I didn't want him taking it out on me."  
  
"He is very enthusiastic, isn't he?"  
  
"Well, Wesley, the woman he loved died. You think he's just going  
to have a drink and forget it?"  
  
"It is human of him, in a way."  
  
Fred gave a whoop from across the room: "Whee! Battle Avocado is  
on tonight. I hope they serve guacamole!"  
  
"Perhaps we can get her a job at Taco Supremo, Wesley. She's  
getting on--"  
  
Wesley lunged for Cordelia as she fell convulsively  
backward. Fred ran from the couch into the hotel, calling Angel's  
name. Angel nearly collides with her in a doorway, and they head  
back into the lobby.  
  
Wesley carries Cordelia to the couch, and they wait for her to  
come around. She regains consciousness, and she tells them, "I  
wish I had given Gru those visions when I had the chance." 


	2. Act I

Opening credits. Theme music. Fred's now in the main cast, while  
Kate is gone.  
  
Commercial for Smallville.  
  
Commercial for reality show even tackier than Fox's.  
  
Commercial for Maybelline with SMG.  
  
The dancing GAP girl.  
  
Promotional tie in for Burger King and Smallville. Win a top  
prize of one million dollars by getting clues from commercials on  
Smallville. Let's kick Buffy while she's down.  
  
---   
  
Cordelia lay on the couch and gasped, "Park. Tent. Men in  
tuxedos running. Green monsters with yellow wattles. Sun was  
up--air smoggy. Probably LA."  
  
"Cordelia, any idea where or when?"  
  
"No. Just a park. But soon, I think."  
  
"Angel. A wedding, you think."  
  
"It's a start."  
  
"All right. Fred, can you look after Cordelia for a bit?" Fred  
nodded. "Angel, please check the references for those demons."  
  
"Okay, Wesley. I don't feel like researching weddings now."  
  
"I thought not. I'll go to the library. Cordelia, is there  
anything I can get you?"  
  
"Codeine would be nice, but aspirin will have to do."  
  
"I'll get it."  
  
Angel retreats to an inner office, while Fred goes to the kitchen  
and brings back an ice pack and a carafe. Wesley brings the  
aspirin bottle, asks if Cordelia's okay, and she waves him away.  
  
---  
  
A group of men and women are sitting around a conference table,  
in a room less modern than those at Wolfram and Hart's  
building. A man in a black robe with embroidered symbols is  
standing up; he's been speaking for a while.  
  
"To sum up, Project Trade Wind is doing well. We can't cut down  
on our client's pollution, but we can disguise the pollution and  
blow it out of state, where it becomes someone else's problem. A  
satisfactory outcome for us all."  
  
"Unless you live in Utah, of course," says a woman further down  
the table.  
  
"Unless you live in Utah, yes. Notice, however, that none of us  
live in Utah." Everyone around the table chuckles at that.  
  
The chairman, a short black woman in a business suit, stands up  
and says, "Thank you, Josephus. That's very good work. Eminently  
satisfactory. Are there any further items of business?" She  
pauses, and no one says anything. "Then this week's meeting of  
the governing board of California Magery and Weathercraft is  
concluded."  
  
Everyone gets up except the chairman, and they move toward the  
door. "Josephus, one moment."  
  
"Yes, ma'am." Josephus turns back toward the chairman. Soon,  
everyone but them have left the room, and the chairman asks, "And  
how is the other project progressing?"  
  
"We're on schedule. I've procured our assistants, and I've  
prepared the bait too. Come next Saturday, we'll be ready to hurt  
our competitors in a way they'll never recover from."  
  
"And if someone dies?"  
  
"Someone dies. So?"  
  
"I'm glad you're not getting soft."  
  
"Never, ma'am."  
  
"When the enemy is down, knock 'em flat, I always say."  
  
---  
  
At the Hyperion, Wesley walks into the lobby. He carries a stack  
of newspapers and magazines large enough that he can barely see  
anything in front of him. Cordelia gets up from the couch and  
takes some of the load.  
  
"Should you be up, Cordelia?"  
  
"I'm in pain, Wes. I'm not sick, I'm not dead. Deal with it." She  
marches back to the couch and looks at half of Wesley's  
papers. "People? Us? Variety? Billboard? The Social Register? Do  
you want to find out whose wedding is going to get slammed, or do  
you want to break into show business?"  
  
"The back issues of the LA Times were not forthcoming with useful  
information. I thought that this wedding would have to be of two  
rich people, possibly two famous people. And in Los Angeles,  
that usually means show business. Besides, an ordinary couple  
would not arouse such enmity."  
  
"Well, I don't see the National Enquirer here. What about that?"  
Wesley cringes. "Oh."  
  
"I prefer the Weekly World News. They're funny!"  
  
"Fred, you read that?"  
  
"Only on the checkout line, of course. No, the dorm had a  
subscription."  
  
"You didn't get the Weekly World News too, Wesley?"  
  
"I'm afraid so, Cordelia. Here--my shame is apparent to all."  
  
Charles Gunn walks through the front door, sees Wesley holding  
the tabloid, and he whistles. "Hoo, boy, English. Finally found a  
reliable source of demon info. Hello, Princess. And the  
beautiful Winifred." Winifred giggles.  
  
"We have to stop a wedding, Charles. Isn't that weird and fun?"  
  
"Stop a wedding? Anyone we know?"  
  
"No, Gunn. That's the problem."  
  
"What Cordelia is trying to say is that she was given a vision of  
demons attacking a wedding at some LA park. We're trying to  
figure out whose wedding it is, when it will occur, and what's  
going to be attacking it."  
  
"And Angel?"  
  
"Looking through my books on demonology. I don't want him  
obsessing on weddings."  
  
"Right. Give me the World News."  
  
In a back office, Angel reads an illuminated manuscript. He taps  
one of the figures on the page. It looks like one of the demons  
in Cordelia's vision. He closes the book and takes it with him as  
he heads to the lobby.  
  
---  
  
"So, Charles, how are things going with your friends?"  
  
"They've learned to get along without me."  
  
"At least they still know who you are. Mine don't."  
  
Angel walks into the room, and holds the book up.  
  
"Angel, you've found something."  
  
"Possibly." He opens the book to the picture. "Cordy, is this  
the demon from your vision?"  
  
"I think so. Green monsters with pukey yellow parts. Some  
fashion statement."  
  
"I don't know, Princess. I've always thought of demons as being  
fiery-red, or glowing yellow. These seem--dull."  
  
Wesley takes the book from Angel. "Angel, this is Muller's  
Daemonographia."  
  
"So?"  
  
"Muller was possibly the least reliable investigator of his  
time. Nine out of ten of the statements he makes are delusions,  
or distortions, or idle speculation, or they leave out the most  
important part. He's utterly untrustworthy. He is even mentioned  
in 'Extraordinary Popular Delusions.'"  
  
"So, Wes, he's like you on a bad day."  
  
"Cordelia, on my worst day, I was still more reliable than  
Muller. Even when we were in Sunnydale, I made sense more  
often than Muller."  
  
"So, what do these demons do, and how do we kill them?"  
  
"We won't necessarily have to kill them, Gunn."  
  
"Surrrrre. As we say on my block, when you're poor, you can't  
afford to be peaceful. You want to negotiate with those?"  
  
"Let us see. 'The Divza are brutes. Because they are cursed never  
to feel joy, they hate joy in others. They delight in  
desecrating sacraments of joy, but it availeth them not. The  
bride before the altar, the baby at his baptism, the father of  
the newborn, all this the Divza hate.'"  
  
"Nice guys."  
  
"Reminds me of the masters--I don't think they ever were happy."  
  
"I'll go on. 'Sorcerers enact dark pacts with them to curse their  
rivals, though it requires rare magics and sacrifices. Storms  
precede them, and sorrow follows them. None can best them in  
battle, but they are vain and feel shame.'"  
  
"That's it?"  
  
"That's all. I told you Muller was unreliable."  
  
"He must be exaggerating. 'None can best them in battle.' I've  
never met anyone who was unbeatable. I'm not unbeatable, and I'm  
very good."  
  
"So you are, Angel. Did you see any more references to the  
Divza?"  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"It's not much to go on. And we still have to find the wedding  
they will attack." Everyone but Angel sits down and returns to  
his or her reading, while Angel picks up a sword and starts to  
head to the workout room.  
  
Wesley picks up the last magazine in his stack, the Social  
Register. He turns the front page, and he looks at the next page  
in shock.  
  
"Wes, you found it?"  
  
"I found it. The wedding is next Saturday."  
  
"How do you know this is the one?"  
  
"Believe me, Cordelia, this is the one."  
  
"So, English. You just warn the couple, they postpone the  
wedding, and everyone's all fine and dandy."  
  
"I can't warn the couple."  
  
"Why, Wesley, can't you warn the couple?"  
  
"Because, Cordelia, I knew the bride."  
  
"But, that's good, isn't it? Perhaps you can get an invitation. I  
like weddings. Should we send a present?"  
  
"No, Winifred, I'm afraid it's not good at all."  
  
"So, who's getting married, Wesley?" Wesley turns away from  
Cordelia. "Wesley, if you know what's in one of my visions, you  
will tell me, or else. Give me that!" Cordelia grabs the paper  
from Wesley's hands and looks at the article. She's  
appalled. "Well, Wesley, you really did know the bride." We see  
the paper over Cordelia's shoulder. The headline is:  
  
  
*** Virginia Bryce and Clarence O'Connell to Marry *** 


	3. Act II

Commercial for Judge Mathis.  
  
Commercial for Polaroid sticky film.  
  
Commercial for McDonalds.  
  
Local commercial for Don Beyer Volvo.  
  
Commercial for Felicity: Felicity meets two freshmen who aren't  
impressed by her, and she doesn't know what to do. "And so we got  
out of Hell." "I thought you said you came from Lawndale." "It's  
the same thing."  
  
Commercial for Dawson's Creek: [Paula Cole: I Don't Want To Wait]  
A mysterious woman comes to Capeside, and now someone's life may  
be over. [Is that Julie Benz?]  
  
---  
  
"So, English. How long ago did you know her? Did you know her  
when she used to rock and roll?"  
  
"Yes, Wesley. Did you know her when she used to do the Pony?"  
  
"I confess. I knew her when she used to do the Stroll."  
  
Angel walks in, heading to the refrigerator and his liquid lunch.  
  
"Hey, Angel! Wesley knew the bride!" Wesley groans, and Angel  
walks toward the group. He takes the newspaper from Cordelia,  
does a double-take, and says, "Yes, Wesley. Why don't you tell  
Winifred exactly how you met the bride."  
  
"I was her bodyguard."  
  
Gunn muttered, "She really works fast, doesn't she."  
  
"Tell her how you met, Wesley."  
  
"Must you?" Angel glared. "I was masquerading as Angel to guard  
her--only to save Cordelia's life."  
  
"But that can't work. No blowy-up thing. And mirrors."  
  
"Well, her family is impressively stupid." Angel coughed. "And  
we seduced each other."  
  
"So, that's what you call it, Wesley. Remind me not to trust  
anything you say."  
  
"I was trying to save your life."  
  
"Give it a rest, stud-muffin. Let's get out of here,  
Fred. There's a Betsey Johnson with my name on it." Cordelia and  
Fred walk out, and Gunn follows them.  
  
"Angel, all animosity aside, can you try to find out who might be  
consorting with the Divza? I'll try to get a handle on the  
wedding."  
  
"I know just who to talk to."  
  
---  
  
Angel barges through a door in some random-looking underground  
warren. Yes, it's the usual suspect, Merl.  
  
"Oh, hell. What on Earth do you want now?"  
  
Angel lifts Merl up and pushes him against a wall. "Do you know  
anyone who's dealing with Divza demons?"  
  
"Hey, hey. What about simple courtesy? I'm not involved with  
them--are you nuts? They hate me--they hate everybody. But, why  
should I help you?"  
  
"Because I'll make your life miserable if you don't."  
  
"You already are; you're here."  
  
"I don't have time for this. Talk."  
  
"Hey! A demon's gotta live you know. You think the others like my  
talking to you? You gotta make it worth my while. And if you hurt  
me, you won't get anything from me."  
  
"All right. What do you want? Two hundred?"  
  
"You think I want just money? I want a ticket to the next  
Lakers-Kings game."  
  
"What? You know how hard it is to get those? Besides--the way  
you look, you won't exactly blend in."  
  
"It'll just be a weird costume. Tickets, or no talk."  
  
"I'll see what I can do."  
  
"You promise, Angel?"  
  
"All right. But you don't get anything unless you help me."  
  
"Yeah, well. Whatever. Well, no one's said boo about Divza  
demons; in fact, it's been pretty quiet this month. But, there's  
a namby-pamby thing--named Brikksa, I think. He roots around in  
caves, farms seriously weird mushrooms. Some humans would go  
nutsy for them. Well, he's boasting of making a killing selling  
some rare 'shrooms to an alchemist. He says those 'shrooms can be  
cooked up into a pretty entrancing brew. I don't know; you think  
somebody might be entrancing some Divza?"  
  
"It's pretty thin. Tell me where Brikksa stays, and I'll go talk  
with him."  
  
"Just talk?"  
  
---  
  
"Okay. Dennis will tape that show for you. Fred, your five years  
in Pylea--did anything happen to you?"  
  
"Of course things happened to me. I was a cow for them for 5  
years. At least until I figured out how to break the collar and  
get away. It was icky and filthy and I thought I never would get  
back. Pass the salsa, please. Ooh, spicy!"  
  
"No, I mean, did the talk about Wesley and Virginia upset you?"  
  
"Oh. Ooh! You're asking if they did anything to me. Nah. The  
masters thought of us as cows. They'd never dream of doing  
that. They wouldn't enjoy it, but they didn't enjoy anything. And  
the other cows? I can take care of myself."  
  
"Sorry I asked."  
  
"No, no. I'd tell you. So, Wesley and Ginny. Why'd they break  
up?"  
  
"Wesley got shot, and Virginia couldn't take it any more. It  
scared her."  
  
"So, she's getting married so soon? I don't want to marry for  
years yet. 'I want to be free! I've got to be free!'"  
  
"You and Lorne would get along well."  
  
"So, you think she's the right bride? Who would want to do that  
to her?"  
  
"It's probably a business thing, like the last time. Or it's  
because of her father from Hell, but that's much the same." She  
drifted off.  
  
"So, who hates her father most? Or seems to like her father  
most?"  
  
Cordelia's eyes widened. "You want to stay at my place tonight?  
We'll get on my computer and search."  
  
---  
  
Wesley read the newspaper. "Bob Florenthal, head of Florenthal  
Florists, said that 'There's more to LA than Hollywood and the TV  
networks. There are lots of big businesses here that stay far  
away from show biz, and we want to help these companies and these  
families shine. You don't have to be a Tom Cruise or a Mel  
Gibson to deserve a great wedding; we'll make sure of that.'"  
  
He paced the floor for a moment. "I wonder if Florenthal is  
hiring."  
  
---  
  
Angel climbed up the side of a hill and looked inside a cave; it  
seemed lifeless, but so did Angel; that meant nothing. He dimmed  
his flashlight until his eyes adjusted to the cave, and then he  
went in. He sniffed--there was a faint demon smell, and there was  
the stench of fear he remembered all too well from causing it in  
others. He made his way toward the back of the cave--a rockfall  
blocked the rear. He moved the fallen rocks away and made a hole  
he could fit through, and then he went past the barrier. Brikksa  
lay on the ground; his arms were tied behind him, and his throat  
had been cut.  
  
"Well, somebody didn't want to keep a bargain." 


	4. Act III

Another irritating Seven-Up commercial.  
  
Will a drunken Spin-the-Bottle game spell disaster for the  
Gilmore Girls?  
  
A Mark Warner for VA Governor commercial: "Gilmore tried to  
bankrupt Virginia. His successor wants to finish the job. Vote  
Democratic--keep the Republicans from destroying the  
Commonwealth."  
  
A Mark Earley for Governor commercial: Warner's a Democrat, and  
Democrats are Evil. Vote for me.  
  
On a special episode of Charmed, the Halliwells visit Barbary  
Lane. Guest-starring Olympia Dukakis.  
  
On Warner Brothers Records: The Host with the Most, Andy Hallett,  
sings!  
  
On Dead Last: Who cares?  
  
---  
  
It's morning. Wesley sits on the couch, looking at the want ads,  
while Angel enters from a back area. Angel's towelling his head,  
trying to wipe the death-stink away.  
  
"So, what happened?"  
  
"I had a lead about a demon who made a killing selling some  
psychoactive mushrooms to an alchemist. Well, there were two  
killings--when I got there, he was dead."  
  
"Alchemist. There aren't many true alchemists around. There are  
plenty of boasters and fakes, but the real thing is rare. What  
was he supposed to have sold?"  
  
"Something that could be used to entrance most anybody. A Divza,  
maybe?"  
  
"It's thin. We don't have much to go on, though. If I'm wrong,  
people die."  
  
"People die when we're right too." Wesley nodded.  
  
Cordelia and Fred walked through the front door.  
  
"Those recipes were amazing! I wonder if Dennis and I can try to  
cook some of them."  
  
"Hold up! You and Dennis using my kitchen? Excuse me, but isn't  
that a little presumptous of you?"  
  
"Cordelia."  
  
Cordelia whirled toward Wesley, gave him a look, and relaxed. She  
pulled some papers out of a portfolio.  
  
"Fred and I went over Bryce's finances last night. If it's that  
wedding, we think it might be related to his business enemies."  
  
"Interesting. Go on."  
  
"There's Consolidated Curses, and American Wishcraft, of  
course. They're bitter business rivals, as you know."  
  
"And then, there's California Magery and Weathercraft. They're  
negotiating a merger."  
  
"And you think?"  
  
"And Fred thinks who better to stab you in the back than a  
friend."  
  
"Interesting. The Divza have an association with storms. We need  
to get somebody on the inside. You can't do it, Cordelia--they  
know you, me, Gunn, and Angel. But, whomever is behind this has  
never seen you, Winifred."  
  
"How can I help?"  
  
"Florenthal Florists is hiring; you can go there Monday and  
apply. In any case, keep your eyes open."  
  
"Are you up to this, Winifred? You've been through a lot."  
  
"I'm stronger than I look, Angel. As Cordy is."  
  
---  
  
We see a chemical laboratory. Josephus is doing something odd  
with a bunsen burner, a few Erlenmeyer flasks, various filters,  
colored chemicals, and some powders. There's a knock at the door  
behind him.  
  
"Go away, I'm busy."  
  
"Is that how you treat your CEO?" It's the chairman from the  
board meeting.  
  
"Actually, yes." Josephus grumbles, lowers the flame, and lets  
his CEO in. She's wearing a full lab outfit, including a breath  
mask.  
  
"At least you know your procedures."  
  
"How is the synthesis?"  
  
"I'm about to perform the final step." He takes the flask that he  
heated; it has a deep violet hue, (Some potassium permagnate, if  
you must know). "We add oxalic acid until the fluid clears." He  
slowly titers a clear liquid in. "We filter the liquid." He pours  
it through filter paper into another flask. "And we're  
essentially done. This is very dilute, but I can concentrate it  
with vacuum distillation. The Divza will find it bewitchingly  
attractive. Unfortunately, for Ms. Bryce, the bride will be the  
most attractive person at the wedding."  
  
"Brides usually are. And, our supplier?"  
  
"He will never supply anyone else with this, or anything else."  
  
"Admirable. Very good."  
  
"And, the Divza?"  
  
"I'll let them loose whenever you call before the ceremony. Wait  
until you see the bride. They're painful to deal with, but  
they're accepting the promise of blood and pain for now. This  
will serve just to keep them pointed in the right direction."  
  
---  
  
Standard TV montage sequence. Angel confronting Merl, Fred  
shaking a woman's hand, walking out of a building and jumping  
into the air, Cordelia doing a computer search, Wesley reading a  
stack of books and manuscripts, Gunn trying on a chauffeur's  
uniform, Virginia at a bachelorette party, Magnus Bryce and the  
CEO negotiating, and Clarence and some buddies at a strip club  
bachelor party. A few day-to-night-to-day transitions.  
  
Florenthal Florists. Fred is part of a group assembling flowers  
into vases. She finishes with one and goes to a counter to get  
another vase; Bob Florenthal is arranging a corsage on the arm of  
a wedding dress that has been set on a tailor's dummy.  
  
"That's beautiful."  
  
Bob turns toward her. "Yes, it is. It's for the Bryce-O'Connell  
wedding Saturday. You should get back to work; we need to finish  
up with these vases for it."  
  
"Of course, sir." She turns, walks back to the other workers, and  
calls back to Florenthal, "That really is beautiful."  
  
Later, they're all putting the vases into refrigerated storage,  
when two people go into the room. One is a man we haven't met,  
and the other is Josephus. The unknown man gets Bob Florenthal's  
attention, and they start talking about purchasing flower  
arrangements for the CM&W stockholder's meeting. When they're  
engrossed, Josephus sidles around the counter, walks toward the  
wedding dress, and splashes a vial onto the corsage. He quickly  
returns to the front, the other man completes his business with  
Florenthal, and they leave. Winifred notices, but hides the fact  
that she noticed.  
  
A few minutes later, Winifred fakes an accident and deliberately  
knocks over a vase filled with water. She cries, "Oh!" and she  
races to a sink to get some paper towels. The water flows behind  
the counter toward the wedding dress, and she follows it, sopping  
up the water from the floor. She has one paper towel left as she  
stand up near the tailor's dummy and wedding dress; she brushes  
it against the corsage. She holds that towel in her left hand  
while she throws out the others with her right. She then heads  
into the bathroom, and we see her putting a small, moist portion  
of the paper towel into a vial.  
  
That evening, she returns to the Hyperion, and she holds out the  
vial to Wesley.  
  
Wesley says, "What do I do with this?"  
  
"Analyze it. I think it has that chemical stuff on it."  
  
He takes the vial and heads in back. 


	5. Act IV

Commercial for Christian Kane's new album.  
  
On Seventh Heaven--who cares?  
  
Richard Harris dressed up in a wizard's robe in a Harry Potter  
commercial. [Richard Harris--remember that name. You have been  
warned.]  
  
Followed, of course, by a Wizards of the Coast Harry Potter game  
commercial.  
  
Followed by a LOTR movie commercial.  
  
The evil Lady Luck in another evil Virginia State Lottery  
commercial. Evil, I tell you.  
  
---  
  
In Wesley's laboratory, Wesley is in a lab coat and breath  
mask. Angel stands by the door, somewhat bemused.  
  
"There's only about one thing this could be. If this turns red,  
I'll be sure." He uses an eyedropper to add a reagent to a  
beaker. Yes, Wesley is right. "Would you like to look? I wouldn't  
breathe any of this in, however."  
  
"Not my problem, Wes."  
  
Wesley walks to the telephone and dials an 11-digit number.  
  
"Magic Box. How may I help you?" It's Tara's voice.  
  
"Hello. Is Mr. Giles there, perhaps?"  
  
"I'm sorry, sir. May I take a message?"  
  
"Please tell him that Wesley Wyndham-Price needs to speak with  
him straight away."  
  
"Oh. Willow told me about you. I'm sorry, but Mister Giles isn't  
in at the moment. We're all a bit shaky here this month. Xander  
and Anya are with him now. Willow's in class."  
  
"Is he ill?"  
  
"He's depressed. We all are."  
  
"You have our sympathy, you know. Excuse me, but you are--"  
  
"Tara. Willow's friend."  
  
Wesley's eyes go wide, but he sticks to business. "Look, I need  
some iludium powder, and right away."  
  
"Iludium powder? That's pretty dangerous stuff. Worse than  
cocaine in many ways."  
  
"Well, somebody's using it to control a pretty nasty demon, and  
we may need it ourselves to break that control."  
  
"Let me look. We have it locked away, but--yes. We only have  
about 15 grams."  
  
"Could I purchase 10 of them? I want to brew up the same potion."  
  
"Well, I'd prefer to ask Mr. Giles, but--okay. However, I don't  
trust any courier services. You'll have to come down here."  
  
"I understand. I'll be there in two hours." He hangs up.  
  
"Angel, hold the fort for a moment." Wesley leaves, and Angel  
turns off a Bunsen burner, burning himself slightly. We hear a  
motorcycle revving.  
  
---  
  
Virginia and Clarence are dining in a private room at a fancy  
French restaurant. We see a waiter leaving the room and closing  
the door.  
  
"I do love you so, Virginia." It's a particularly wooden  
delivery, reminiscent of a certain exiled character on a related  
television show.  
  
"I love you, Clar--I can't wait for tomorrow." And this sounds so  
insincere that it reminds one of Gary Condit,or someone who wants  
to escape a family from Hell.  
  
---  
  
Back at the Hyperion, just before sunset, Wesley rushes through  
the front door. Winifred whistles as he pulls off his helmet,  
while Gunn calls out, "Lady-killer."  
  
"That's what we're trying to avoid, Gunn."  
  
"So, what are you going to do with that stuff?"  
  
"I will try to make some Divza attractant."  
  
"We don't want to attract the Divza, Wesley. We want them gone!"  
  
"Gunn, they're already going to be attracted to the bride. We  
want to distract them. I'm going to make up some vials of this  
stuff; you can use your judgement on how to lure them away."  
  
Wesley rushes off.  
  
---  
  
More montage:  
  
Wesley giving Fred a stoppered vial.  
  
Workmen setting up a party tent at a park, delivery men putting  
up a marriage altar, florists (including Fred) delivering vases,  
trees, and decorations.  
  
Josephus and a burly guard driving an armored car into the  
park. We hear nasty noises from in back.  
  
A seamstress making final adjustments on Virginia's gown, and Bob  
Florenthal pinning her corsage on her. (Her father is nowhere  
around. I wonder why?)  
  
Clarence looking a bit green.  
  
Limos parking in back of the tent.  
  
Photographers snapping pictures of the guests.  
  
The CEO taking her seat.  
  
One last limo pulling in.  
  
---  
  
In the last limo, we see Gunn in the driver's seat, wearing his  
rented uniform. Wesley sits next to him. He presses an intercom  
button.  
  
"Are you both okay back there?"  
  
"Just peachy. I'm trying to keep Angel out of the champaigne."  
  
"Cordy. The tinted windows are doing their job, Gunn."  
  
"Wes, what are we waiting for?"  
  
"A bellow of rage. A storm. I'm not quite sure."  
  
"Oh, great."  
  
---  
  
A string quartet finishes aplaying, and a keyboardist takes their  
place. There's some shuffling in back, and we see the bridal  
party waiting to march up the aisle. The CM&W CEO hits a button on  
a cell phone. At Josephus' armored car, his cell phone beeps in  
reply. Josephus hits a button on the steering wheel, and the rear  
doors of the car open. Three Divza shuffle out; they are  
angry. As they leave, the sky gets supernaturally cloudy. They  
sniff around, turn, and head off toward the wedding tent.  
  
---  
  
People in the wedding tent look a bit concerned as the sky  
darkens. Meanwhile, bridesmaids, attendants, family members (but  
not Magnus Bryce), the maid of honor, the best man, and the groom  
proceed up the aisle. It starts raining. It never rains in  
Southern California!  
  
Finally, the bride proceeds up the aisle to the altar. The music  
stops, and we see the wedding ceremony we're all familiar  
with. Lightning begins to flash, as the minister asks the couple  
to pledge its vows. On the side, Fred edges toward the wedding  
tent from the dining area. It's now fully dark. Wesley tells the  
others to get ready.  
  
"Do you, Clarence O'Connell, take this woman as your wife, to  
have and to hold, in sickness and in health, 'till death do you  
part?"  
  
"I do."  
  
"Do you, Virginia Bryce, take this man as your husband, to have  
and to hold, in sickness and in health, 'till death do you part?"  
  
Before she answers, everyone hears evil howls as three green  
monsters with yellow wattles barge through the rear of the  
wedding tent. Clarence takes one look and runs away. The  
monsters head up the wedding aisle as the people flee. The CEO  
gets knocked over by some of the fleeing guests,and her cell  
phone is trampled by the crowd. Virginia just stands at the  
altar; she picks up a vase and prepares to fight.  
  
Wesley and the others pile out of the car; they're all armed in  
their favorite fashion. They charge the wedding tent.  
  
Suddenly, Fred unstops her vial and runs across the path of the  
Divza. The smell of the vial causes the Divza to follow her, and  
she leads them in a chase, out the wedding tent into the food  
area.  
  
Wesley's group follow the chase, but Fred is too fast; they can't  
catch up to either her or the Divza. Meanwhile, some of the  
crowd regains its nerve; people pick up chairs, stanchions, and  
anything else handy to fight with, and they slowly follow the  
chase.  
  
Fred reaches the wedding cake. It's very elaborate; it must have  
taken a long time to make. She splashes the contents of the vial  
onto the wedding cake, and she dodges out of the way as the three  
Divza dive onto the cake. One barrels over it and knocks over a  
tent pole; part of the tent collapses, and they're drenched by  
the rain.  
  
The Divza stop. They look a sight; one of them has the groom  
figurine stuck up his nose. The wedding guests and Virginia stand  
at the back of the food area; they look stunned, and then  
Virginia begins to laugh. After a moment, other guests start to  
laugh, and soon laughter fills the air.  
  
The Divza don't like this at all; they roar and head toward the  
crowd; Wesley, Angel, and Gunn intervene. It's pretty brutal;  
our heroes get the worst of it until Cordelia gets a clear shot  
with her crossbow. She fires a bolt and embeds it along side the  
groom figurine. That Divza goes beserk; it lowers its head and  
charges Angel, but Angel sidesteps it, graps its arm, and swings  
it into Wesley's attacker. The two Divza go down in a heap, and  
the third suddenly runs out the way it came. Angel takes off  
after it. Wesley, Gunn, and Cordelia secure the other two. Fred  
walks over to the remains of the wedding cake, and swipes a  
finger through the green icing. Evidently, it tastes good.  
  
---  
  
We see the armored car; Josephus has stuck his head out the  
driver's window. Suddenly, the Divza charges the car, grabs him,  
and pulls him throught he window; he goes flying into the  
mud. Angel catches up and puts himself between the Divza and the  
unconscious Josephus. Angel and the Divza spar for a while, and  
then Angel induces the Divza to impale himself on one of Angel's  
spring-loaded arm spikes. Angel picks up Josephus and drags him  
back to the tent. The guard gets behind the wheel and drives off,  
very fast.  
  
---  
  
"What are those?"  
  
"Divza demons. Someone didn't want you to get married."  
  
"Not very smart, are they. Thank you."  
  
Fred wanders to the group: "Congratulations."  
  
Virginia laughs. "I don't think congratulations are in order."  
  
"I'm Fred."  
  
"Virginia."  
  
Angel walks up to them, still dragging Josephus. Cordelia looks  
at the fallen figure: "Hey! You're on the board of California  
Magery and Weathercraft."  
  
Virginia stands up straight, walks through the crowd, and stands  
over the CEO of CM&W. The CEO had finally pulled herself into  
a sitting position. "The merger is off." Virginia hits the CEO in  
the head with the vase, smashing the vase and rendering the CEO  
unconscious. "But the lawsuit will be filed Monday." 


	6. Tag

Next week on Seventh Heaven: Who cares?  
  
Charisma Carpenter for Prince Matchabelli.  
  
Mentos. Mentos? Mentos.  
  
The Smallville contest commercial again.  
  
The Anti-Buffy movie of the week.  
  
Judge Mathis again. Aargh!  
  
---  
  
"It looks like MacArthur Park is melting in the dark. So, is  
anyone hungry?"  
  
Everyone looked at Fred a little oddly, but hey--when you've  
spent five years with any food hard to come by, you're entitled.  
  
"Yes, but I think dinner has been cancelled." The caterers had  
fled; the guests were clearing out too.  
  
"Yeah. Someone left the cake out in the rain," said Gunn.  
  
"All the sweet, green icing flowing down," said Angel.  
  
"It was a beautiful cake. It took so long to make it. By the  
way, what was in that vial?" said Virginia.  
  
"A Divza attractant. It hardly matters; I think I'll never have  
that recipe again," replied Wesley.  
  
"Oh, no," said Fred. Clarence O'Connell walked up to them. He  
looked like he'd been dipped into a dunking tank. "Oh, no." "Oh,  
no."  
  
"Virginia, I'm--"  
  
"Not wanted here. You can go now. Coward." The gang glares at  
him, and he turns and walks away.  
  
Virginia stand up and looks at Wesley. "Wes, would you like to go  
on a trip to Hawaii?"  
  
"But, you're a married woman."  
  
"Nah. Did anyone hear me say 'I do'?"  
  
"I'd be delighted."  
  
"Let's get out of here. It'll look a bit odd at the Honeymoon  
Suite, but I don't care." Wesley and Virginia walk away.  
  
"Ooh. And Wesley ends up with the girl. I don't think that I can  
take it," said Cordelia.  
  
"Cordelia, you'll never catch me looking at the sun about this."  
  
"Yeah. Petty."  
  
They walk off. "Tacos?"  
  
---  
  
Closing Credits, including Smallville trailer. [I hate that. The  
crew deserves its day in the non-sun.]  
  
Then, special bonus weirdness. Remember the Wesley-dance? We see  
Wesley, Angel, Gunn, Cordelia, and Fred on the center-stage of  
Caritas. Virginia stands to their right. We hear music, and  
Virginia starts dancing while the others sing the old Nick Lowe  
tune, I Knew the Bride (When She Used to Rock and Roll).  
  
Closing producer's credit.  
  
---  
  
MacArthur Park is copyright 1968 by Jimmy Webb. It reached #2 on  
the Billboard Chart as sung by Richard Harris. Donna Summer did a  
throughly unnecessary remake in 1978. It won (if that is the  
word) the Dave Barry Bad Song Survey by a landslide. 


End file.
